


The Rainfall

by Aerithbunny



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smut, so much fucking angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-20 21:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4803431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerithbunny/pseuds/Aerithbunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris smiled, and it was in that moment when they held hands and just lay on the blanket, taking in the sunset, that Fenris knew… he was in love. How easy it was to fall in love, how quick and sharp it was, how perfectly awful it would be if something tried to take it from him. And Maker, Fenris didn’t care about the world anymore. All that mattered was that no one would take this mage from him. No one would take this man from him lest they would pay with their life.</p><p>Because Fenris didn’t know if he could survive without his sun’s light anymore….</p><p>(Act 3 Fenris and Anders get together, angst happens)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

The Rainfall

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit from this fan fiction.

I realize cisfenris is as much a head canon as transfenris, I happen to use cisfenris.

Pairings: Anders x Fenris, F!Hawke x Isabela (mentioned), M!Mahariel x Zevran, past Karl x Anders

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Chapter One: The Fragments

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The blonde man stood in the middle of the rain, on a cold day. In the middle of Hightown… where Templars could easily find him. He had run for so long, amber eyes closed as the rain washed away his sins. It was a day pushing him closer to his goals to destroy the chantry, with what Meredith had said, what she had called for. It was a quiet moment, where the man could just take in what he was sure might be the last rain drops to hit his face. 

Hawke would surely kill him… she would not let him live, did she have any reason to? Anders was only wearing a pair of pants, nothing more, not even his boots. In that moment, he just wanted to feel the rain. The streets were stripped bear, no one around because of the cold. But Anders could barely feel it even hitting his skin, he was numb by now. 

Numbed by the pain of the future, he had cut everyone off, made himself distant. The tired look in his amber eyes… Fenris had seen it before, far too many times.

The elf was spying on the mage, wondering why he was just standing there. The water dripping down the man’s skinny yet muscular body, every drop running across scars that Fenris had never witnessed before. He winced slightly as Anders turned his back to Fenris, the scars even more apparent on his back. The blonde mage was casting no spell, yet Fenris’ green eyes could not tear themselves away. 

Anders raised his hands and magic came to them, Fenris was guarded at the glowing of his hands, but they glowed only for a moment before the shape of a man appeared next to Anders. Anders put his hand to the man's cheek, but the man was not there, Anders had not summoned a spirit. No, it was an illusion… and it quickly faded beneath his fingertips. 

Fingers so scarred and calloused, Fenris had never noticed it before. They were such dainty hands, yet so strong. The strength in such a fragile form, like the man, would wither away into nothing any moment. How long had it been since he had eaten? Anders turned again, moving slower this time. As if the illusion had weighed him down, and he sat on a bench, still drenching himself in the rain waters. 

Fenris moved slower to get a closer look. Why was Anders here? The Templars would appear any moment, the elf was sure of it. They stalked the streets! He wasn’t prepared for them, he didn’t even have his staff on him. So why… after so many years of paranoia, was he here? In the open?

“I’m so sorry Karl.” spoke the man’s broken tone.

The way he spoke, Fenris did not know why, but it struck him to the very core. Anders had shown pain before, but nothing like this. Always so combative around Fenris, guarded even. To see the mage like this… it was… it was beautiful.

Anders put his face into his hands. “So many years, I killed the man who took you from me. But it’s not the same. I miss you so much.” spoke Anders’ broken tone.

Fenris thought back, yes the blonde mage had a lover, he was made tranquil. But Fenris had not thought of the man as Anders’ lover. Not that he’d thought much on Anders’ love life actually at all. Was this day, the marking of those years? The anniversary of Anders’ lover’s death?

“I wanted more than this…” spoke Anders. 

Amber eyes looked up into the sky. “I wanted so many things… but my life, it doesn’t matter anymore.” Anders whispered.

Fenris felt his blood run cold. Why… why would Anders say something like that? A bitter curl of the mage’s lips, the smile was so cruel. Fenris was at a loss for words, the way the mage smiled.

“It will soon be over, Hawke will not let me live, not for what I am about to do.” Anders whispered to himself.

Green eyes looked down. “I will die, and be with you again Karl.” Anders spoke softly.

Why did those words burn Fenris to his very core? He didn’t care about the mage, right? And yet…

Every muscle inside of him burned. Anders once asked him about suicide, had the mage been thinking of committing it? Even a sin in the eyes of the Maker? Fenris hated Anders, didn’t he? He wished death upon him, he had to!

And yet… everything inside of Fenris screamed no. He sighed quietly enough and moved back from Anders, away from the mage, so as to not be spotted. Anders sighed and stood up. 

“I’m so tired Karl…” he whispered.

Those words stopped Fenris. “I’m so tired of the loneliness. I know, it’s selfish. But Justice cannot take this from me. The desire to be held, to be adored. Who could love me now though? I knew I was attractive back then, but the scars have settled into my gnarled body. This form has taken too much punishment, nothing beautiful left. Just a tired, old man. Not even you would want me now, would you Karl?” spoke Anders.

Fenris couldn’t stop himself as he moved, he darted out, and his hand went to Anders’ arm. Amber eyes were on Green, clashing in a moment’s notice. Fenris could not stop himself as he kissed those lips…

And the world stopped. Two men standing there, lips held in a chaste kiss. Amber eyes wide in shock, green determined eyes looking into them. A slip-up, Fenris knew it was a mistake before he had even done it. And yet…. the mage's hands moved up into his white locks of hair. There was a question in their gazes, but also a longing. A longing to be held, to be loved, to be worth something. And slowly… their lips met, instead of being held against each other. Slowly their arms were around each other, as they kissed with longing, desire. Fenris knew not what had possessed him, Anders longed for something, anything, even if it was temporary. 

They were both fragments, pieces of lives destroyed by those around them. Shattered pieces of glass and they could never form into something perfect again. No only lay jagged… and yet, that kiss, it felt like something more, something better.

It was broken all too soon, Anders looking at Fenris with a hooded gaze of deep Amber. Fenris’ green eyes looking at Anders with a desire he had not known he’d held in himself until now.

“Fenris…” whispered Anders.

The way he spoke Fenris’ name, the elf gulped. He knew this was dangerous, this man was a mage, an infuriating, pompous, feather mage. Fenris wanted nothing more than to punch him most of the times he spoke. And yet… maybe that wasn’t the truth.

He had heard Anders' pain, even in the ways he was angry. Fenris had listened to every word and only harmed him with his own. Anders had tried to reach halfway, and Fenris had stabbed him with words into the hand that had tried to reach him. The hand became a fist, and those words were no longer kind. Throwing knives at each other, but who had dug the first dagger into the other? 

“Mage…” Fenris whispered.

Anders smirked a little, looking away from Fenris. “You weren’t supposed to hear that last part.” he whispered.

“What? About you not being desirable?” Fenris asked.

Anders chuckled. “Yes.” he spoke, but the chuckle really was a nervous laugh. How had Fenris not seen that Anders was just as lonely as he was? How had he ignored this until now?

“Anders…” Fenris whispered.

Anders looked to Fenris. “You said my name…” he whispered.

“Perhaps that is because today, is the first time, I saw you not as just a mage.” Fenris whispered.

They both seemed to not want to speak above a whisper. As if their words could ruin this, and they both knew that words could. 

“I am a man Fenris, but I am also a mage.” Anders whispered.

Fenris nodded and moved his hand into Anders’ hand. “Please don’t die.” Fenris whispered.

Anders' amber eyes burst into a wide shocked expression. His mouth hung open for a moment before he regained himself. Looking away, and Fenris wished desperately, that somehow those amber hues would be on him again.

“My life is not my own.” Anders whispered.

“But it is.” Fenris said softly.

Anders closed his eyes, tears fell as he closed them. “Perhaps you should not have kissed me.” he choked on those words.

Fenris growled and moved his hands into the blonde locks of hair, pulling Anders close into another kiss. Anders did not fight, he couldn't fight the want of this. The need for something more. He had pined for Hawke, she was beautiful, but she did not want him. He had pined for the loss of Karl, the lack of the warmth of his first real love. He had laid awake for years, alone, dark and cold. He was certain he was doomed to be alone, and now here was a man. A man who he had claimed to hate, and who had claimed to hate him. And yet nothing felt more perfect than this moment then this kiss.

It was as if darkness and light had reached into his soul, pulling away everything, unravelling him, and in the center was nothing but fire. The ice of the darkness was receding, the pureness of the light burned away by Fenris’ fire. He did not need to be pure in this moment, he did not have to be cold and dark. He could be human…

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Author: oh gods, a song inspired this fic honestly, and I felt myself needing to write it so badly, that well… here it is, reviews maybe?


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut chapter, the two are joined in the bedroom, and finally a spoken apology is given between them.

The Rainfall

Disclaimer: I own nothing of bioware and make no profit from this fan fiction.

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Chapter Two: Echoes

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Neither of them could be sure who led the other back to Fenris’ mansion. How they tumbled and removed each other’s clothing. Scars matching, echoes of each other’s skin. Fenris’ darker skin in contrast to Anders’ pale skin. Yet the scars were the same, marred on smooth skin. Anders pulled back to look down at Fenris, the elf stared up at him with green eyes.

“Beautiful…” Anders whispered.

Fenris blushed and looked away before he looked back up at the naked mage. Was he really doing this? Fire and ice, light and darkness, two sides of the same coin. Could they really clash and not destroy? He couldn't find it inside of himself to hate the blonde mage. In truth, he could only feel the words he needed to say… they were lost. He wanted desperately to say something beautiful, something perfect. Nothing could match this moment, as Anders' hands were on his tattoos. He gasped as Anders trailed the fingers down his body, every line, every indentation touched. Every scar was given special attention, longing amber eyes looking at Fenris as if he was everything and more.

“You are as well…” whispered Fenris.

Pain filled those amber eyes, those hands stopped, moving to his own gnarled scars. And then the dark-skinned hand caught the pale hand before it could cover those gnarled marks on pale skin. Fenris moved up and leaned in, kissing Anders' scarred form. Amber eyes closed, a moan leaving the mage's lips. Fenris moved in and kissed slowly, every crevice of Anders' body. Every scar was licked, kissed, given attention. Anders was brought down by each kiss, each lick, his body was being taken over in another way, that of pleasure.

Fenris looked up at Anders with those green eyes. Anders leaned in and began to return the favor, licking and kissing every part of Fenris. Neither knew how much time it took, to taste each inch of the other. How many moans and pants passed between each other. Neither cared how long it took, the time around them seemed to stand still. 

Fenris made the first move, moving on top of Anders, he pressed himself down on the mage's erection. Anders' hips moved involuntarily, and he stilled himself so that he could push two fingers slowly into the elf, opening him up slowly. Fenris panted, Anders looking to him.

“Are you certain about this?” Anders asked.

Fenris couldn’t stop the tears as they fell. He wanted to say the words he’d meant to say to Anders since the first time he had started their fights. How much they fragmented each other, their words tearing through the air, destroying a connection, the thread ripping between them.

“I’m sorry…” he choked.

Anders looked up at him in shock, Fenris was crying, his face contorted in pain and also longing, love filling those green eyes.

“Fenris..” Anders whispered.

“I’m sorry for what I did to you.” the elf whispered.

Anders could not stop his own tears from coming, and the two leaned in kissing. Anders could not help but feel that thread being re-sewn between them as if the Maker was smiling on them in that moment. He couldn't be, of course, surely there was no way for Anders to gain happiness out of this. And yet… in that moment, the world around them had stopped. The way they looked at each other now, eyes reopened that had once been shut. Ears listening that had once been deafened to the truth, and somehow the moans that filled the silence, were music. 

A symphony in fact as their skin moved across each other, and fingers pushed Fenris open, lips entwined. Anders broke the kiss and moved his hand to wipe away Fenris' tears. "I am sorry as well Fenris." he whispered.

But what was he apologizing for. For their first meeting? Yes, of course, the way they tore at each other with words, ripping open old scars that need not be touched in that matter. The honey that was needed instead of vinegar. But Anders was apologizing for the future he knew lay ahead of him, the mages would be free, and he would die. He would crush Fenris' heart with that, he knew it, and yet he could not help but want this. He craved this attention, this gentle affection, this silent poem to be read between them. Fenris was opened up, and Anders slowly pushed inside. Joined, fire and ice burned together and combined in a perfect moment. It was ecstasy to hold someone again. 

Sweat slicked bodies moved in a perfect dance of limbs and moans. Together reaching toward a nirvana they had both been denied for too long. Fenris' eyes closed in bliss, his face contorted in a burning ecstasy while Anders moaned into his neck and pushed into him, hiding the look of pure bliss on his face. And neither needed to see the other's face because it would have been too intense. The way their bodies matched perfectly, it already was too intense. And they both came together, moans leaving their lips, the name of the other spilling forth into the conclusion of their perfect dance, a final note of music singing in the air before they lay there in silence, holding each other.

It was not as though they needed to hold each other to realize how wonderful this was, no this was more of a need to realize something had just shifted between them…. something was changed forever. To never let go of this moment, to love and to hold. And that was the word that shattered both of their minds, love. Anders knew it would only lead to pain, he was going to die soon. And yet… nothing could destroy the way his heart felt in that moment. Fenris was his, and he was Fenris’. It was a mistake, a distraction, Justice was supposed to be screaming at him, but the feel of Fenris’ lyrium had calmed the spirit some. In the end, Anders’ mind was quiet only for a few moments, but those moments were enough. And perhaps, perhaps this could just be a perfect moment.. immortalizing them together, immortalizing their love. Even if Anders was sure he would be dead soon. 

Fenris didn't know why Anders was so quiet, but he was content. The mage was his… yes, he had a mage. And he didn't regret it, the apology was enough. Their bodies had spoken the words the other needed to hear, and now, he was no longer alone. That was enough, right?

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Author: Reviews Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's smut was more about feeling the intensity, rather then the sexual parts of it, it's why I chose the M rating instead of E.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris realizes he's in love with Anders... Anders cannot bring himself to tell Fenris what he plans to do.

The Rainfall

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit from this fan fiction.

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Chapter Three: Transparent

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Vulnerability was hard because it was their truth. Laying naked in each other's arms, cleaned up magically by now by a wave of a hand, erasing the fluids but not the mark they left on each other. Yet as amber stared into green, the two of them could not have fallen harder. It was hard to admit, neither said a word, yet they both knew. They both knew what the other felt.

“You won’t leave in the morning?” Fenris asked.

Anders closed his eyes. “You would have me stay?” he asked.

Fenris moved his fingers, interlacing them with Anders’ fingers. “I know you cannot. But I would hope we could..” Fenris spoke.

Anders looked to Fenris. “You cannot be tied down to me, you do not even believe in my cause.” spoke the mage.

Fenris closed his eyes. “I fear what could happen.” he spoke.

“Then you fear me even now.” Anders spoke bitterly, moving to turn away.

A squeeze of Fenris' hand and Anders stopped before getting up. Moving back as Fenris pulled him back, resting his chin on Anders' shoulder, green eyes closed.

“You’re wrong.” Fenris whispered.

A bitter laugh, the laugh that spoke of Anders’ fears. This was too much, too soon, was it not? And yet Anders did not feel compelled to run, nor did Fenris. They had left a mark, an echo, a thread upon each other. Sewn together into a dance, and now even as the tango was over, they were starting a slow dance.

"You call me an abomination, mage, anything but my name. You care not for my struggles, my people." Anders spoke.

“You’re wrong.” Fenris whispered again.

Anders turned, amber met green, that same bitter smile on his lips. “You would support me in freeing them?” he asked.

Fenris looked down, fists clenched. “I would support you… but not them.” he spoke.

Blonde eyebrows furrowed in a questioning look, amber eyes looking to Fenris with curiosity. “Why?” he asked.

“I do not know them. I cannot trust them. Just as you cannot trust many elves either. You would compare me to all of my kind?” Fenris asked.

A softened gaze from those amber eyes, such a tenderness and warmth, and Fenris could feel himself melting all over again. The transparent love and adoration in his eyes, he was sure that Anders could see right through him. “No of course not.” Anders spoke.

"I will not compare you to all of your kind, as you would not compare me to all of my kind." Fenris spoke.

“But I am the cause of mages.” Anders argued.

“You are more than just that.” Fenris spoke sweetly.

Moving his other hand to Anders’ cheek, touching him lightly. The sparks in each touch, the reminder of the clash of fire and ice. “Just as you are more than the cause of slaves?” Anders asked.

“We must both fight for each other’s causes… if this is to work Anders.” Fenris spoke sweetly.

Anders smiled a little. "I would always support against the injustice to slaves, just as the injustice to mages. Justice is agreeing wholeheartedly." Anders whispered.

A smile, a quirk of Fenris' lips, and somehow Anders could not have pictured such a beautiful look on a once twisted into pain face. Fenris had always been so wound up, angry, brutal around Anders. The mage could not blame him honestly, and yet now as he saw beneath the ice, he could see there was a hidden truth to Fenris. They lay back down, entwining their limbs again, holding each other in the early morning.

Perhaps it was not a direct promise, the promise to help each other. To reach toward a future together, and it was a promise Anders knew he could not keep. That was the dagger in his own back, slowly eating him away. He did not wish to lie to Fenris and in that moment… in that morning. He was trying to forget for just a brief moment, what would happen in the next few days. His plans would come to fruition, and the fruit would be cut into pieces. He wanted to forget the consequences, and pretend just for a moment, that they could have a future.

But what sort of future could he give Fenris? He would only prove him originally right, that he could not trust Anders. And Anders only hoped that Fenris would not be the one who would kill him. Because that…that would utterly destroy everything inside of him. Nothing would be left of his heart, shattered once more.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way! He was supposed to have his happy end! His beloved elf was meant to be his, and they could run away together… but he could not hope for this. What good had hope ever done for him? He had hoped things would change, that things would get better for the mages. but they weren’t. It almost seemed, that they never would get better. Jaded, cynical, and yet he could not help but hope for a better future for the mages. No half measures…

Not even this beautiful moment, this love, however, strange it was, could destroy what years of work he had pushed for. He closed his eyes, falling into a slumber at last in Fenris' arms. A silent promise had been made that morning, however, quick it was. They were to support each other, but could Fenris support him in this? He did not think it so, and he feared it was a promise he could not keep. But it was the one thing he kept hidden, little did he knew, Fenris knew something troubled him as he slept.

“Anders… whatever has caused you such pain, perhaps be it myself or others. This damned world. Just know, I never want to see the pain on your face, as I saw it, again.” he whispered.

The elf slowly fell into that same slumber, dreaming of fire and ice, two sides of the same coin, and yet this time, finally meeting in the middle.

———————

The next day, the two of them did not speak much. Tongues tangled, bodies slick with sweat, moans ringing a familiar song they had sung the day before. That same tango being danced. Neither left the mansion that day and at the end of the day, after finally stopping to eat and bathe, the two of them lay together on fresh sheets. Hands held, warmth shared, and gentle touches upon scars.

“Tomorrow we should have a date.” Anders whispered.

Fenris smiled. “Yes we should.” he spoke sweetly.

Anders knew it was only a few days before he would surely be dead, he had to make the most of the time given to him. Fenris knew not of his plans, but it would be no gift to tell him. No, it would only be another dagger in Fenris’ back.

“Fenris.” spoke Anders gently.

Fenris looked at him with green eyes.

 _‘Tell him.’_ Anders thought to himself.

And yet he could not bring himself to tell Fenris at all. “I…” Anders started.

“What does your… spirit, think of me?” Fenris asked.

Anders smiled a little, Fenris knew he couldn’t speak at that moment. He derailed the conversation on purpose, anything to help Anders speak. This was a far cry from him wanting Anders to shut up, the old animosity they had shared toward each other.

“Justice is… apprehensive, you taste like lyrium, so he likes that. But he believes you a distraction from our cause, and he believes you will betray us in the long run.” spoke Anders.

Fenris sighed. “I have no intention of going back to the person I was around you, before this.” he spoke.

Anders’ heart clenched, he knew Fenris meant it… but, there was no way he would let Anders live with what would come. If Hawke spared Anders, Fenris wouldn’t spare him. Still… it was nice for the moment.

“I was wrong about so much.” Fenris whispered.

“As was I Fenris.” Anders whispered back.

Anders knew he had been wrong, to treat Fenris the way Fenris treated him. The copious amounts of daggers as words, they had both scarred each other for every day they had known each other. Only now were they finally healing together.

“I notice you did not call me abomination…” Anders whispered.

Fenris smiled a little sadly, the sort of smile that spoke more of what was on his mind than any words could express. Searching for what to say, trying to find any reason… anything he could grasp. The fragments of their past were in front of him, the words danced around like sporadic sparks, and Fenris was trying to catch one.

"Please tell Justice… somehow, tell him, that I would care for him, the same as I care for you if he would allow it." Fenris whispered.

Anders looked shocked at those words, but his eyes softened at Fenris. “I am sure one day, he might allow it. For now, he has been… reclusive as of late.” spoke Anders.

“We all thought he had taken you over, pretty much destroyed your sense of humor. You were gone for days Anders.” Fenris admitted.

Anders closed his eyes. “I just had a lot on my mind to be honest.” he admitted.

“You and the spirit… you are separate, but also the same.” Fenris spoke, but it was more of a question.

Amber eyes closed, he could feel the inner fury, the inner righteousness. "He and I are one and the same, but also separate. I am here, and so is Justice. But we both want the same things. He knows how… well, you saw…" Anders spoke softly.

 _‘How pained and troubled you looked? Yes, he can see it, just as I do. Perhaps that is why he has allowed this, us. And he will continue to do so, I am sure of it, even if you are not.'_ Fenris thought to himself.

“I am sure your spirit won’t stop us from being together.” Fenris spoke softly.

Anders smiled bitterly, if only Fenris knew.. Justice and his plans, the chantry would be gone, and so would Anders. But for the moment, he supposed this beautiful lie, he could live in it temporarily. A feather instead of a dagger, but the dagger would come. Anders only hoped he wouldn’t harm Fenris too much with the betrayal.

——————

The next day it was raining again, but Anders and Fenris had both told Hawke that they needed a day off together. She was supportive, saying she and her Isabela were working on Isabela’s ship that day. Fenris and Anders were walking along the wounded coast, breathing in the fresh air. They had packed some foods and were simply enjoying each other’s company.

In front of the sunset, they ate the various foods together. Not talking, a comfortable silence, a perfect denial for Anders. The clouds had broken apart, the sun peeking through them. Fenris looked at the sunset and then looked to Anders. The way the mage looked in that moment… it was almost ethereal. It was like the sun and Anders matched, Fenris could only gasp and stare for the moment. Anders didn't seem to notice, but maybe… maybe he was just like the sun. Merrill often spoke of him burning like the sun for mage rights, but Fenris had never truly seen how much he burned until that moment.

He was an inferno, sweeping up and breathing a warm life into a lost cause. He was the sun and Fenris… Fenris was the moon. He could reflect only that much passion back, he was cold and icy, while Anders was fire. But in a way, they needed each other. The moon needed the sun to find its true light and give that, but the sun needed the moon so that it would not overheat the planet beneath it. Fenris and Anders, they balanced each other. Fenris knew it in that moment, Anders was his sun.

“Anders…” Fenris spoke softly.

Anders turned and looked to him questioningly.

“Merrill was right… about you burning with more fire than the sun.” he spoke.

Anders looked surprised at the admission, but he had a soft smile on his lips, and he was blushing at the words. “Thank you.” he spoke.

Fenris smiled, and it was in that moment when they held hands and just lay on the blanket, taking in the sunset, that Fenris knew… he was in love. How easy it was to fall in love, how quick and sharp it was, how perfectly awful it would be if something tried to take it from him. And Maker, Fenris didn't care about the world anymore. All that mattered was that no one would take this mage from him. No one would take this man from him lest they would pay with their life.

Because Fenris didn’t know if he could survive without his sun’s light anymore….

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Author: Reviews Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look the description on this fic was in this chapter.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danarius event occurs, and some needed apologies after it...

The Rainfall

Author: I own nothing and make no profit from this fan fiction.

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Chapter Four: Shadows

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His own sister lay dead at his hands, blood across his hands. Anders didn’t speak as the two of them were back at Fenris’ mansion. Denarius was dead and Fenris was free, he’d been free. To be quite honest, the things he’d said out of anger, and the words Anders had spoken of his hypocrisy, it all wrong true. What he did not expect was. as soon as they were back at his mansion. For Anders to stop and put his face into his hands.

“Mage? Anders?” Fenris asked in alarm.

“I’m sorry…” Anders gasped out the words between the tears.

Fenris moved his hands to Anders’ wrists, looking at him curiously. “Sorry for what?” he asked.

“I’m sorry for all the things I say out of anger to you… out of my own pain.” Anders spoke.

Fenris realized it then… triggered…. with Danarius, Anders had been triggered. "You were only speaking that way because I spoke that way." Fenris spoke softly. 

“Yes but I promised myself, I would not retaliate that way again!” Anders yelled.

“And I told myself… that I would not speak that way of all mages again.” Fenris admitted brokenly.

Anders looked frustrated. “Are we to keep doing this!? Is this all we are!?” he yelled.

“We are broken men Anders.” spoke Fenris.

Anders sighed and looked away. "I should never have.. we should never have tried this." he said.

Fenris looked to Anders. “Do you truly wish that?” he asked.

Anders closed his eyes. “Sometimes I wish.. I wish I could believe that.” he admitted.

Over the course of a few days, they were in too deep, there was too much to this. They were both hurt, broken, shattered. And they only continued to hurt each other, Anders especially knew what was to come.

“Anders… please, I need to hear something.” Fenris finally admitted.

Anders looked to Fenris. “What is it?” he asked.

“Tell me, from the start, what happened to you in the circle.” Fenris spoke.

Anders gulped, sighing a shaky and tired sigh. He moved to the chair, against all odds he searched for the words. Fenris sat, the day was hard on him, but possibly it seemed… worse on his mage. He’d snapped at Anders, triggered him over his past, made Anders’ anxiety come out, produce the mage’s rage to match his own. The problem was, they both promised not to go down this road again. Anders began to tell him the tales of the circle… how he was held down and whipped, how they used mage bane on him, how they raped him, how they beat him. The kicks to the heads… the year in solitary, about the one cat he had with him. By the end of it, Fenris saw a new light to his sun.

This sun was burning against all odds, the flames burned into the darkness, even though the darkness tried to snuff it out. The shadows eclipsed Anders, and his pain was his own worst enemy. Fenris only wished… only wished he’d realized it sooner. How much Anders was hurt, the same as he was. By the end, Fenris moved and pulled Anders into his arms.

“I’m sorry…” Fenris whispered.

Anders let out a sob, crying into Fenris’ armor. “I’m sorry I was so against you for the longest time. I’m sorry my own pain blinded me today. It was that… I could not see your pain. You always saw mine, I just kept pushing you away, destroying you. But no more, we have seen each other’s scars. We have seen the worst, we must try for the best now.” Fenris whispered.

“But some days… I will be at my worst, can you accept me then? And I am sorry for my careless words.” Anders asked.

Fenris grimaced. “I… I promise to try.” he spoke softly.

Amber met green again, and Anders moved a hand up to Fenris’ cheek. “She was wrong, your sister. As was Danarius.” he admitted.

Fenris nodded. “I know.” he whispered.

They met in a clash of tongues and limbs again that night, entangled in the sheets. Only this time, with knowing Anders’ former pain, Fenris was sweeter than before. The two were fully joined, two tortured souls finally united, ice and fire burning together, but not destroying. Instead of reflecting off each other, they were now combined. It should not have worked… but against all odds it did.

——————

The next day, after apologizing once more to each other. Anders asked Hawke the favor… the favor that would seal his fate. Fenris was surprised at the admission of wanting to separate himself from Justice, but he knew Anders was lying. He did not know what Anders was lying about, and though it hurt him, he went along with it.

Fenris pretended not to know, and Anders pretended that it was ok. They both pretended that they didn't know… that they didn't know the other was lying to them. Because in the end, they both also knew one crucial fact. They loved the other, however, complicated and twisted it was. Their love was pure, it was, despite the circumstances. 

No one even knew they were together, they were not exactly public about it. That unspoken promise to love each other, the promises to try with each other, the unspoken promise to understand why the other was lying to them, and finally… the unspoken promise of that first night. That promise to understand each other’s true pain.

Two sides of the same coin had met, they were in love, but what was the cost? In those next few days, what could happen? Bodies met, lips and tongue, heat and ice. They smiled at each other, Anders had found his moon, and Fenris had found his sun. They loved, they loved with fervor, but this love could not survive what would come could it, and they both hoped against hope… that the lies the other spoke, that these lies were white, meant for good, instead of black and twisted, driving them apart for the final time. It was the final day… Anders awoke, got ready… and went to face his fate.

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Author: Reviews Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go up after this, again, just felt inspired to write this, so I know it's not perfect.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter...

The Rainfall

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit from this fan fiction.

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Chapter Five: Healing The Burn

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Singed, that was the only word that could properly explain how Fenris felt at that moment. Anders was sitting there, asking for death. Hawke stared in shock as the Chantry had gone down, and now Sebastian was threatening Anders as she had refused to take his life. But Fenris could not speak, it was as if his tongue was burned. His throat burned, the mage thought… thought he would die this way? This was his big secret? 

Fenris watched as Sebastian walked away, and Hawke looked to Anders who would not look at Fenris. She smiled at her friend, as her brother ran up and Isabela threatened Sebastian extra hard for coming after Marian. Carver, it had been a while since they had seen him. Fenris reached out, gripping Anders’ shoulder.

Anders didn’t move, closing his eyes. “Kill me now… if you wish.” he whispered to Fenris.

The rest were preoccupied as Hawke spoke to Orsino about some things. Fenris couldn’t even growl, he couldn’t speak… words were insufficient. His mage, this was his tiger? This was what he had to face? He would watch this world burn, he was the sun scorching the earth beneath him. But out of those flames, would come a war, a freedom the mages had never known. Anders had spoke of only being the cause of the mages, but those whispered words to Fenris, the way they were so gentle.

He remembered he was a man, not just a cause. He knew he had sinned in the eyes of the Maker, he knew he was beyond redemption. And yet… Fenris felt he not need be redeemed.

Anders had done nothing wrong, except ask for death even now. Fenris didn’t know how to say that he forgave Anders for the lies, or that Anders didn't do anything wrong in his eyes, or that he supported him even now… or that he wouldn’t kill him. His mouth was dry, his heart was on fire. And there it was, the tears fell from his green eyes. Anders was alarmed slightly as he saw the tears, he reached a hand, but he dared not actually touch Fenris’ face.

“You stupid mage.” Fenris choked out.

Anders looked away, prepared to be berated. But instead he was pulled into a kiss, the city burning around them, Fenris' lips on his. Anders melted into the kiss, returning it. A warmth in the kiss but a dagger he was sure would come… it never came. 

Instead, Fenris broke the kiss. "I love you." he whispered.

Anders smiled, crying as Fenris said those words. Amber eyes looking into green. “I love you too.” he whispered back.

The two broke apart, Hawke smirking at them both. “Well it’s about time.” she said.

Anders and Fenris both blushed, rubbing the backs of their heads. “How long has this been going on?” Varric asked.

“Not that long…” Anders spoke softly.

“We need to get the gallows.” Marian spoke.

Anders nodded, and they were about to leave for the Gallows, when Carver handed Anders a letter. “It’s from the Warden Commander. He and Zevran send their regards, he also said the Keep would be a safe haven, should you ever need one.” spoke Carver. 

Anders nodded, pocketing the letter. They made their way to fight Meredith…

——————

It was after the battle, on Isabela’s ship. Anders was silent, Fenris at his side. “I need to go…” Anders whispered.

“Go? Where?” Fenris asked.

His heart was sinking at the way Anders spoke. “Your future with me will only be marred with pain.” Anders spoke to Fenris.

Fenris closed his eyes. “So once we land…?” he asked.

“Once we land, I’m going to the Keep for a while.” Anders admitted.

That night, the two of them lay together, for what they were sure, would be the last time. They whispered ‘I love you’ into the early morning. And when they landed, Anders went to the Keep. He met up with the Warden there, smiling at him. 

Mahariel was surprised to see Anders after the news of the chantry, but he smiled and welcomed him with open arms. But every day he was around Anders after that…

The mage seemed haunted, almost empty. Every joke lacked fire, every smile was fake, and he was quiet, too quiet. The more the warden wondered what it was, the more he worried as well. Zevran told Mahariel, it was because Anders was in love. Mahariel wrote to Hawke, she wrote back saying she might actually kill Fenris if he truly left.

Zevran found the elf in a bar after that, in Amaranthine. 

“He misses you.” spoke Zevran.

“He chose this.” spoke Fenris.

“It is because he is worried for you.” remarked Zevran.

“Perhaps.” Fenris remarked.

“Just tell me this, do you feel the same? Empty as he does, without you there with him?” Zevran asked.

“Yes.” spoke Fenris bitterly.

“Then maybe, he does not know what is best for you both.” Zevran spoke.

The Antivan elf left Fenris there. When he got back, Anders was shaking, working on something, writing something, and tears were in his eyes. Zevran suggested he go outside… storm clouds were gathering.

In the moonlight of that night, rain falling just as it did that first day, Anders stood there, tears falling. 

"I did not think I would be doing this again… but this time, I did this to myself, Karl." Anders spoke out.

The mage closed his eyes. “I’m still searching for a reason that he loved me. But maybe, he just did.” Anders spoke softly.

"Yes I did." spoke Fenris.

Anders looked to Fenris, pain in his eyes, the elf had walked up, no weapon, no armor, just in his pants, the tattoos shown, but more than that, he was revealing himself just as Anders had done long ago. "I can't… I can't stop thinking of what we were, how I loved you. But I will destroy you." spoke Anders.

"No, you won't." Fenris whispered.

“What makes you say that?” Anders asked.

“Because your magic does not destroy. It does not harm what it touches, it heals.” Fenris said.

Anders stopped moving entirely, he could barely breathe, shocked at the words… he had not spoiled Fenris, he had healed Fenris. And Fenris, was trying to heal him. He moved in and kissed Fenris in the rain that night, the sun, and his moon. They kissed and cried, and laughed. Knowing finally, they had healed each other. No more lies, no more secrets, no more pain. 

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Author: Reviews Maybe? This was just a minor story I felt like writing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this fic. ^^

**Author's Note:**

> I felt a need to write this fic when I heard a song. That song is: Echos and Nightcall - Rainfall.


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